On a recent plane ride to visit my in-laws, something pretty typical happened. My daughter, who is 7 months old, needed to have her diaper changed. (I know, stop the presses!) When my husband, Andrew, scooped her up and started toward the bathroom, a flight attendant stopped him to ask if he was “flying alone.” Because, apparently, if mommy were present, daddy wouldn’t bother.
When he told her no, that he was flying with his wife, the inevitable fawning began.
“I just love a man who changes diapers,” she said. “You know, women find it a huge turn-on when men change diapers.”
A turn-on? Really?
My husband finds moments like these funny, in part. As a parent who equally shares child-care responsibilities with me, he’s used to the smiles from female office staff at our pediatrician’s office when he shows up alone or the kudos he gets from friends and family about being such an involved dad. But he’s also insulted. Because Andrew doesn’t think he should get extra credit for doing what he’s supposed to be doing, for doing what I do without any smiles from strangers or talk of sexy diaper-changing. He’s parenting.
American culture is still so intent on believing that child care is “women’s work” that we consistently hold men to a lesser standard when it comes to parenting. It not only devalues the work of mothers — who are held to such a ridiculously high standard it seems we can never do anything right — it reveals a deep bias we have against men. No matter how progressive our country claims to be, we’re still surprised when men are good dads.
And we’re not alone. A report released this February by the United Nations called for a reexamination of fathers’ roles and a call to end sexist stereotypes around the globe.
The report, “Men in Families and Family Policy in a Changing World,” criticizes the narrow but widely held belief that the man’s role in the family should be limited to that of financial provider. The publication’s authors also point out how this belief has stalled policy progress on the place of men in the family.
“Despite an increasing worldwide focus on the role of men in families, burgeoning research documenting men’s contribution to gender equality, the importance of their engagement for work-family balance, and the numerous positive paternal contributions to children’s development, policy-makers have been slow to recognize the need for effective public policy that is supportive of men’s involvement in their families,” the authors write.
This translates into less government support for father-friendly policies like paternity leave and flex time, and a continued lack of social support for men as sole or primary caregivers. Basically, we should support fathers being fathers — which doesn’t mean acting surprised when they are. Without political and cultural backing, men will never have the resources — or even the desire — to claim their place as equal parents.
In the United States, the Obama administration is so concerned that it created a “responsible fatherhood” initiative complete with town hall meetings, a website and a national ad campaign to promote men’s involvement in parenting. But we need more than a government campaign — we need a cultural shift in the way we think about child-rearing.
Men who change diapers or otherwise deal with the minutiae of parenting should not be considered “sexy” or even unusual — after all, mom does it all the time. When we treat fathers as heroes when they do as little as showing up to the occasional soccer game while ignoring the 24/7 care that so many moms provide, we not only do a disservice to our children and the women who work so hard at mothering, but to fathers as well.
Because, as challenging as it can be (especially when there are diapers or the teenage years to contend with), parenting is a wonderful thing. And by assuming men can’t do it as well, we’re robbing American men of the opportunity to find fulfillment in caretaking.
When he told her no, that he was flying with his wife, the inevitable fawning began.
“I just love a man who changes diapers,” she said. “You know, women find it a huge turn-on when men change diapers.”
A turn-on? Really?
My husband finds moments like these funny, in part. As a parent who equally shares child-care responsibilities with me, he’s used to the smiles from female office staff at our pediatrician’s office when he shows up alone or the kudos he gets from friends and family about being such an involved dad. But he’s also insulted. Because Andrew doesn’t think he should get extra credit for doing what he’s supposed to be doing, for doing what I do without any smiles from strangers or talk of sexy diaper-changing. He’s parenting.
American culture is still so intent on believing that child care is “women’s work” that we consistently hold men to a lesser standard when it comes to parenting. It not only devalues the work of mothers — who are held to such a ridiculously high standard it seems we can never do anything right — it reveals a deep bias we have against men. No matter how progressive our country claims to be, we’re still surprised when men are good dads.
And we’re not alone. A report released this February by the United Nations called for a reexamination of fathers’ roles and a call to end sexist stereotypes around the globe.
The report, “Men in Families and Family Policy in a Changing World,” criticizes the narrow but widely held belief that the man’s role in the family should be limited to that of financial provider. The publication’s authors also point out how this belief has stalled policy progress on the place of men in the family.
“Despite an increasing worldwide focus on the role of men in families, burgeoning research documenting men’s contribution to gender equality, the importance of their engagement for work-family balance, and the numerous positive paternal contributions to children’s development, policy-makers have been slow to recognize the need for effective public policy that is supportive of men’s involvement in their families,” the authors write.
This translates into less government support for father-friendly policies like paternity leave and flex time, and a continued lack of social support for men as sole or primary caregivers. Basically, we should support fathers being fathers — which doesn’t mean acting surprised when they are. Without political and cultural backing, men will never have the resources — or even the desire — to claim their place as equal parents.
In the United States, the Obama administration is so concerned that it created a “responsible fatherhood” initiative complete with town hall meetings, a website and a national ad campaign to promote men’s involvement in parenting. But we need more than a government campaign — we need a cultural shift in the way we think about child-rearing.
Men who change diapers or otherwise deal with the minutiae of parenting should not be considered “sexy” or even unusual — after all, mom does it all the time. When we treat fathers as heroes when they do as little as showing up to the occasional soccer game while ignoring the 24/7 care that so many moms provide, we not only do a disservice to our children and the women who work so hard at mothering, but to fathers as well.
Because, as challenging as it can be (especially when there are diapers or the teenage years to contend with), parenting is a wonderful thing. And by assuming men can’t do it as well, we’re robbing American men of the opportunity to find fulfillment in caretaking.
