In yet another chapter in the never-ending “mommy wars” (because really, how much more Tiger Mother could we possibly take?), a new study says that women who buy into the “supermom” myth — the idea that mothers can balance work and life issues easily and “do it all” — are more prone to depression than their more realistic counterparts who expect to make career or family compromises. For lack of a better word — duh.
It should come as no surprise that women who buy into unrealistic expectations about motherhood will be disappointed (and yes, even depressed) sometimes. But instead of placing the blame on women’s desire to have a fulfilling career and family life, we should be focusing on the social structures that make it so difficult for women to achieve work/life balance, structures that put the onus on mothers (not fathers) to make sacrifices.
The study, by Katrina Leupp of the University of Washington, was presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association this month. It examined 1,600 women from across the country — working and stay-at-home moms alike. While stay-at-home mothers showed more symptoms of depression than working mothers across the board (that’s a finding for another column!), Leupp found that among working mothers, those who expected to make compromises between career and family were less likely to be depressed.
“Employed women who expected that work-life balance was going to be hard are probably more likely to accept that they can’t do it all,” Leupp writes. In contrast, women who believe they should be able to do everything are more likely to feel guilty when they can’t live up to the supermom hype. The study also finds that “Supermoms have higher expectations for fairness,” and that they were more frustrated and disheartened with the division of household chores. (The nerve!) “For better mental health,” Leupp recommends, “working moms should accept that they can’t do it all.”
Well, OK — having a healthy outlook about parenthood is key. But why is the focus only on women to make tradeoffs? Leupp, who didn’t include fathers in the study, admits that most men don’t cut back their work hours to take care of their children. And in nearly all media coverage of the study, men aren’t even mentioned.
LiveScience says “Supermoms Should Chill,” and the Wall Street Journal blog The Juggle simply reports, “Supermoms are sad.” All this ignores the elephant in the nursery: that men are never expected to make tradeoffs when it comes to caring for their children.
It’s true that men today are more likely than their fathers and grandfathers to be involved parents — some are even stay-at-home dads. But until society expects fathers to balance their work and family life in the same way women are forced to, mothers will continue to bear the brunt of domestic stress, work and sadness. We shouldn’t be telling women to do less — instead, let’s tell men to do more. After all, for the first time in history men want better work/life balance. Today’s dad actually wants to spend time with his kids (a shocking concept, I know). And multiple studies show that married couples with more domestic equality enjoy happier relationships and have less chance of divorce.
And what should overworked and disappointed moms do in the meantime? Ellen Galinsky, president of the Families and Work Institute, tells the Huffington Post that women should stop questioning their decisions.
“Women question whether or not they should be working and men don’t. That’s a big difference. Any niggling questions about whether you’re making the right choices are guilt triggers. So, while men may want to be more involved with their kids, they don’t question their role. Women do, even though today’s women are bringing in 44 percent of family income. If you know in some fundamental way that you made the right decision about working, you’ll be more comfortable going forward than if you’re always questioning yourself.”
Agreed. The guilt has got to go. But while we work on not beating ourselves up when it comes to motherhood and career decisions, let’s also call on the men in our lives to pick up some of the domestic slack. Not only because it will make women’s lives easier and happier — but because it’s the right, and fair, thing to do.
It should come as no surprise that women who buy into unrealistic expectations about motherhood will be disappointed (and yes, even depressed) sometimes. But instead of placing the blame on women’s desire to have a fulfilling career and family life, we should be focusing on the social structures that make it so difficult for women to achieve work/life balance, structures that put the onus on mothers (not fathers) to make sacrifices.
The study, by Katrina Leupp of the University of Washington, was presented at the annual meeting of the American Sociological Association this month. It examined 1,600 women from across the country — working and stay-at-home moms alike. While stay-at-home mothers showed more symptoms of depression than working mothers across the board (that’s a finding for another column!), Leupp found that among working mothers, those who expected to make compromises between career and family were less likely to be depressed.
“Employed women who expected that work-life balance was going to be hard are probably more likely to accept that they can’t do it all,” Leupp writes. In contrast, women who believe they should be able to do everything are more likely to feel guilty when they can’t live up to the supermom hype. The study also finds that “Supermoms have higher expectations for fairness,” and that they were more frustrated and disheartened with the division of household chores. (The nerve!) “For better mental health,” Leupp recommends, “working moms should accept that they can’t do it all.”
Well, OK — having a healthy outlook about parenthood is key. But why is the focus only on women to make tradeoffs? Leupp, who didn’t include fathers in the study, admits that most men don’t cut back their work hours to take care of their children. And in nearly all media coverage of the study, men aren’t even mentioned.
LiveScience says “Supermoms Should Chill,” and the Wall Street Journal blog The Juggle simply reports, “Supermoms are sad.” All this ignores the elephant in the nursery: that men are never expected to make tradeoffs when it comes to caring for their children.
It’s true that men today are more likely than their fathers and grandfathers to be involved parents — some are even stay-at-home dads. But until society expects fathers to balance their work and family life in the same way women are forced to, mothers will continue to bear the brunt of domestic stress, work and sadness. We shouldn’t be telling women to do less — instead, let’s tell men to do more. After all, for the first time in history men want better work/life balance. Today’s dad actually wants to spend time with his kids (a shocking concept, I know). And multiple studies show that married couples with more domestic equality enjoy happier relationships and have less chance of divorce.
And what should overworked and disappointed moms do in the meantime? Ellen Galinsky, president of the Families and Work Institute, tells the Huffington Post that women should stop questioning their decisions.
“Women question whether or not they should be working and men don’t. That’s a big difference. Any niggling questions about whether you’re making the right choices are guilt triggers. So, while men may want to be more involved with their kids, they don’t question their role. Women do, even though today’s women are bringing in 44 percent of family income. If you know in some fundamental way that you made the right decision about working, you’ll be more comfortable going forward than if you’re always questioning yourself.”
Agreed. The guilt has got to go. But while we work on not beating ourselves up when it comes to motherhood and career decisions, let’s also call on the men in our lives to pick up some of the domestic slack. Not only because it will make women’s lives easier and happier — but because it’s the right, and fair, thing to do.
